Ambient Thoughts. (5.30.16)

Phosphoric bones snap and glow,
Giving the world a brand new shine.

Something is glistening, wet and unruly
In the corner of her eye.

The sun lives inside.
A body, hollowed out.

Somewhere along the way
Her soul left her behind.

Through each hazy rain cloud,
A million new ideals drop down.

An unforgiving world is waiting
For their daily dose.

Surface thoughts hide deeper dreams,
Living in oppressive atmospheres.

She breaks.
Like waves,

Like dawn.

I Guess I've Read Too Many Books.

I have so much to give away.

I don't need all this love in my heart.
I don't need all the pretty words in my head.
I don't need the extra space in my car,
Or a cold spot in my bed.

I don't need visions of stars,
With no one to share them with,
And it's stupid as fuck, but.

I want someone so goddamn bad.
I want to be wanted,
And cherished,
And loved, and worshiped.

So I can want,
And love,
And worship in return.

An Update, and A Reminder.

Well hello gentlefolk.

I hope this update finds you well as I've been doing quite well myself.

Last update I clued you all in that I wasn't doing very well, problems with my mental health and problems with my physical stress. But the hurdles were jumped, the hoops set ablaze, and I came out the triumphant victor.
I quit my retail job because I hated it, and while not having a source of income sucked, it eventually led me to my current profession. I watch kids now (meaning I'm a nanny for hire), how fun. I make good enough money that I'm satisfied for now, I'm already thinking about getting another job on top of it, to help propel myself forward into new and untested waters.
I graduated high school, an anticlimactic event in itself. Perhaps more interesting come May 23rd, as that is the official ceremony date. The math was completed, the hours turned in, and the bell rung. I'm on my way to college now, I've decided to take a summer course. All to help maintain a scholarly mind. To, hopefully, give me better insight on how I'll fare in this new world, as well.

I am wishing you the best, because we must wish the best for one another.

-Vand.

Shenanigan

I'm finding my blooming patience a comfort,
Most days people know where to find me.
A set pace, a streetcar rolling down a triumphant hill.

45 miles per hour.
I pulled myself out of the fire,
I bandaged my heart and got back to work.

Bruised knuckles show where I've been most days,
A subtle kind of excitement washes over my crowd.
I've been waiting years for this.

Splitting grins sit where tears once reigned,
I am the ruler now, this is my domain.

Vand (an Update.)

Hello gentlefolk,

It is I, your fearful leader, I hope you're doing well.

I am not. I wish I could bare better news, but unfortunately I haven't been doing well. I've been feeling stuck lately. My fight or flight instincts have been doing funny little flips in my tummy.
As the months have progressed, I've attempted to be an 'adult' good lordie is it a pain. I am putting myself in the view of unnecessary stress, working a job I kind of hate, just so I can make it out of here alive. I'm not very good at it I'm afraid, having called in sick twice this week because I couldn't get out of bed. I have to finish a geometry class this month, that's stressful. I'm also attempting to do college.

Not that I ever thought I wouldn't do college, I just thought it would be different. I've also attempted dating, a piss poor attempt, but an attempt none the less. I'm not good at expressing my less extreme emotions, I don't know which words to choose. I always feel as though I'm reciting poetry, or a bad script. It never makes me feel confident.
I think I'll do better soon, once I get out of my head. Once I get out of this house.

I hope that this post finds you well, because we have to hope the best for each other.

-Vand

Who I am (Who am I?)

While writing a piece on perceptions of people and how we present ourselves, I encountered a problem. Not the same question I wanted to pose when I set out to write this, but an interesting problem all the same.

Why is it that people who are kind and patient are seen as stupid?

Why is it that while writing this piece, I equated my genuine feelings of kindness and patients as naivety? Throughout the piece, I felt like I painted myself in a negative light. And I did! I called myself stupid and naive multiple times.  Why is it that people who are positive and who want to make people happy, are seen as idiots on a fool's errand? I noticed while thinking back to situations in my life that a lot of people are surprised when I am both kind and intelligent(Like the two are mutually exclusive), even myself! Has the world really been painted as so dark that anyone who believes in light is immediately considered an idiot?
More questions than answers, I'm afraid, but maybe one day we'll all see that kindness is truly the smartest option.
As they say, you catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar.

Everything is new.

Anger dries my throat. Tears well in my eyes.

I ball up my fists, crushing them against my sides.

A bruise will soon form where the two forces meet.

Words from a broken home knock me off my feet.

My mouth is taut, a line so thin, one would think it would snap.

I inhale once, and let out a heavy sigh that sounds more like a gasp.

The muscles in my hands tense once more as tears dry in my eyes.

Palms now gone flat against purple-green thighs.

All that remains is a bitter after taste.

My cheeks burn where tears rolled their stinging chase.

I breath deep, and let it all go again.

-H