*coughs quietly* (10.30.17)

Someone turned on the rewind and reflect button in my brain. This is the only reason I can think I'm up at three in the morning when I have work at eight tomorrow. In a way I can't remember since high school, I have become overcome with the desire to look critically at key points and decipher the changes. I'm sure it's the birthday possibly meeting with my trauma for the umpteenth time.

Oh well!

A Look Back:

Name: Hunter
Age:18
Hair color: green
Number of tattoos: almost 1
Love life: Kinda dating maybe?
Job: Professional Kid Companion

I had just graduated high school, I had just quit my part time job at Old Navy to pursue school. I later realized gas and books cost money, so I started babysitting for coin. I also had just gotten my first tattoo, chopped all my hair off, and gotten my first boyfriend. I was so scared and excited for the future. The later it got into the year the more I realized school was hard for me. I didn't come by it easy, and my mental health was suffering. It was also around this time I started birth control, and my monthly menstrual cycle went from seven days of hell to four days of mild discomfort. This was also my first interaction with making doctors appointments.

Name: Hunter
Age: 19
Hair color: silver
Number of tattoos: 3
Love life: Tumultuously in love
Job: Sometimes bookseller

Figuring out school wasn't going to work, I flunked out of one of my only semesters of school. Hands down this is the most shameful thing I've done. I felt like I wasn't good enough and that I was a loser and a failure. That started to show more at home, and in my budding relationship. I learned you can't be insecure of yourself if you're going to love someone else, and gods do I love him. I also learned that no matter what I want, sometimes friendships just don't work. It made me appreciate the friends I have even more. I had just picked up a part time seasonal cashiering job with the bookstore I had wanted to work in since I was eight. All while I spent a week crashing at peoples houses and sleeping in my car. I gained a better understanding of the work behind love, and I lost a chunk of my bumper. I got a promotion and soon realized how much work being a 'grown up' was going to take. My mental health took another dive, but I had a great support system to fall into. I lost family, in so many different ways. I held onto so many stupid grudges that I wish I could have let go of sooner.

Name: Hunter (sometimes sister, and sometimes Bunny)
Age: 20
Hair color: Faded pinky-red
Number of tattoos: TBA
Love life: Happy and counting
Job: Head Cashier, Author

I now dive into the unknown again. Two years feels much larger in my head. I go back to poems and stories and journal entries from this time, and it's like reading in a different persons voice. I was jaded and I absolutely thought I knew everything. I was incorrect, I hardly know anything. While life at twenty is very different from what I had imagined, I'm excited to see what it brings. Who knows, maybe I'll have some life changing revelation. Maybe my book will hit the NYT bestsellers list immediately! Or maybe I'll have worked my way up the book selling chain.

All I know is that I'm wishing you and myself best wishes.

..// Jukebox \\..

Rewind on Spotify

Back Ally Bar Fight with Your Heart (04.01.17)

Welcome back to the dirt.
Hands, rotting and crumbling,
Something not quite dead.
Little shambling thing,
Created just to move.

Can you still feel the breath leave your lungs?
How did you end up here?
Black, blue, bloodied.
By some unknowable force.
Did you tell anyone you were wandering alone?

Smart girls know to only walk on well lit streets.
You weren't a smart girl, were you?
Treading where others refused to go,
Running through where trouble resides.
And now you'll never be found.

You died gasping,
Grasping for someones hand.
No one came.
Perhaps, by chance,
Some kind rain will come
And wash you all away.

Let's get one thing straight (Think Thoughts.)

My brain is not my friend.
On that note neither is my body.
Both of these offending objects try and kill me on multiple occasions. Normally that processes is attempted like 40 times in the same day. Like today, I've been working my tail off for an 8 hour shift, and I've been doing my best to keep in contact with friends. My brain however, doesn't care. It looks me in the soul and says,
"You're not working hard enough, I wonder if you worked harder people might actually want to spend time with you."

What the hell?
NO!

Listen, I know what that voice is, it's Anxiety or Depression. Some kind of chemical changing my vibe from good to gross in a matter of seconds. No one thinks I'm not working hard, and people love me!
But that doesn't stop the voice.

So, why write this?
Why post yet another homage to my messed up connections?

You might just be thinking the same thing. You might feel useless and hopeless, like no one in the world likes you. Don't believe the hype, you are so wonderful! You're the most wonderful you in the world! The only you.
So don't listen to your bastard track.
You go be the most wonderful you that you can manage.

Goddess (11.4.16)

Pretty Girl without even trying
Bats her eyes and wins the world.
Lusts over a boy who left her crying,
Smudged her makeup and ruined her curls.

So Pretty Girl got all dolled up,
Wore her high-high heals to worship at that alter in the sky.
Said goodbye to Sad Boy who sent her flying,
Said goodbye to the ones who made he lie.

"I'm no pretty girl," Pretty Girl would bash,
Cause Sad Boy got so scared,
When other Pretty People noticed her.

Pretty Girl loves Sad Boy,
So when the anger fades, the heels come off.
She'll be his pretty girl,
Until she's not.

Refractory (6.29.16)

He is a child of the sun,
Spurned by a world who would not know him.
His heart is warped wood,
Rotten in some places but still beating.
He still pulses with light.
Whispering to the stars above to
Deliver him from the ache of living.
What he doesn't hear are the stars,
In hushed tones the remind him of joy.
The light shimmer of dew on grass
The droplets reflect the brilliant saccharine orange that reverberated through the mountain tops.
The way clouds roll lazily overhead. 
The fresh scent of wet earth after an unexpected storm.
He weathered that storm, 
And finally he sees the sun on the other side.

Aching. (6.14.16)

There is a bone deep tiredness,
I am washed in.
Bathed in emotions.

A pain so vibrant in its'
Rainbow hue.
People crying.

Tears like acid,
Burns the skin of a nation.
A familiar ache.

Promise it will never happen again,

As we count our dead.

As we consoul the living.

Gaslighting. (6.3.16)

I am searching.
I am looking for answers in between lines of code.
Strings of data attaching me,
To the Earth like
Anchors.

I am lost.
I am wondering hapless in the night.
Groping around in the darkness,
For a hand to pull me up.
Away.

I wish for little.
Love in the form of
Soft kisses
And 'good nights'.

Why is it
That my soft heart melts
At the sound
Of a blazing gun?

Ambient Thoughts. (5.30.16)

Phosphoric bones snap and glow,
Giving the world a brand new shine.

Something is glistening, wet and unruly
In the corner of her eye.

The sun lives inside.
A body, hollowed out.

Somewhere along the way
Her soul left her behind.

Through each hazy rain cloud,
A million new ideals drop down.

An unforgiving world is waiting
For their daily dose.

Surface thoughts hide deeper dreams,
Living in oppressive atmospheres.

She breaks.
Like waves,

Like dawn.

I Guess I've Read Too Many Books.

I have so much to give away.

I don't need all this love in my heart.
I don't need all the pretty words in my head.
I don't need the extra space in my car,
Or a cold spot in my bed.

I don't need visions of stars,
With no one to share them with,
And it's stupid as fuck, but.

I want someone so goddamn bad.
I want to be wanted,
And cherished,
And loved, and worshiped.

So I can want,
And love,
And worship in return.

Shenanigan

I'm finding my blooming patience a comfort,
Most days people know where to find me.
A set pace, a streetcar rolling down a triumphant hill.

45 miles per hour.
I pulled myself out of the fire,
I bandaged my heart and got back to work.

Bruised knuckles show where I've been most days,
A subtle kind of excitement washes over my crowd.
I've been waiting years for this.

Splitting grins sit where tears once reigned,
I am the ruler now, this is my domain.

Everything is new.

Anger dries my throat. Tears well in my eyes.

I ball up my fists, crushing them against my sides.

A bruise will soon form where the two forces meet.

Words from a broken home knock me off my feet.

My mouth is taut, a line so thin, one would think it would snap.

I inhale once, and let out a heavy sigh that sounds more like a gasp.

The muscles in my hands tense once more as tears dry in my eyes.

Palms now gone flat against purple-green thighs.

All that remains is a bitter after taste.

My cheeks burn where tears rolled their stinging chase.

I breath deep, and let it all go again.

-H

New Dog, New Tricks.

This year's Thanksgiving (or Native American Heritage week for people who know that Chris Columbus was a Major Asshole™ -source- and that the original thanksgiving was a sham.)  break was pretty different from last years.
Well, I still started out by saying C.C. isn't deserving of a holiday, so maybe not super different.

This year I got a job! I worked Black Friday (yes, anti-capitalist Hunter of the past, you took part in the most capitalist holiday of the year. And you were kinda good at it.) I also got a dog. Well the dog actually kinda got me. We were just supposed to be a temporary home for her, but she's so sweet. So now her name is Frieda Friday and she's the most amazing friend ever. 

I'm also almost done with school, and I have my drivers licence appointment soon. Things are really shaping up. OH! I also bought a bed! It's the most adult thing I've spent my money on since I had more than $27 dollars to spend. It's been a pretty good year.
The best thing? My favorite pagan holiday is coming up, Yule. All pine trees and warm feelings.

-H

Outstanding Child, Average Adult.

There is an old saying about visualization, that I can't quite remember but, it goes something like "See the things you want, have the things you see." or something.
I have been repeating the same mantra for the last three weeks to maintain the last stretches of my sanity.
"Two jobs, rent, college."
That is my dream. To work two shitty retail jobs, to be able to make my exorbitant Southern California rent, to go to a shitty pre college.
My dreams used to include changing the world, breeding a dinosaur super army so I could become queen of Atlantis, becoming the first paleontologist to discover something cooler than a t-rex (though apatosaurus was always my personal favorite.)
When did my dreams become so little and mundane.
"Yeah, one day I'd like to be able to work one job to be able to afford rent."
"Totally understandable, I dream of one day being able to sleep without fear of a dick being drawn on my face."

I live in a house of angry people, it's made me a really volatile person. I get sad over very small things, because I'm used to molehill mountains. I have a visible flinch when someone raises their voice over the octave of excitement. I don't actually know what it would be like to be able to live without the constant fear of my family walking into my room, without any care to my privacy, and screaming at me.
I've been doing a sort of experiment, whenever someone I'm related to talks to me, I see what they'll say. It's been pretty easy to pattern out so far;
Mother: "Can you take out the trash?"
Grandma: "You missed something."
Grandpa: *Something slightly patronizing, meant in good humor but gets on my nerves anyhow*

I certainly have more relatives I live with, but those are the stand outs.

I'm really sad. Like, truly in my soul, kind of sad. I used to have such outstanding dreams, and such an indomitable spirit when it came to the future. Now I just feel like I'm running on autopilot.
-H

3:30AM, The Bastard.

Panic seizes my body. As I tremble in unconceivable fear, I move to my altar. I pull out salt and quartz and everything I've ever heard helps with anxiety and I top it with a pretty shell. My incantation is desperate and simple. A prayer to whatever heaven will hear me.
"Let this go away, allow me to be calm."
It's three AM and I cannot sleep.
I hear little noises, the air kicking on or a bag blowing over because of the fan. Each sound reverberates and creates a new shockwave of panic and fear. I attempted to drown this out with nature sounds and other music, but the terror just grows. I dig deep to steel myself. I know nothing is going to hurt me, but the silence is unbearable.
I text a friend, desperate for a response. Anything to keep me busy until the sleep aid kicks in.
There is no sound from my phone.
I'm so damn scared, I hardly know what to do with myself.
-H.

(Think Thoughts): Writing Words.

Hello Gentlefolk,
It is I your, sometimes late and always flirty, leader.
I'm thinking about calling all my personal posts (Think Thoughts). Not sure about it yet, so that's subject to change. Whatever they end up being called, you will be able to find them tagged on the upper right corner of your screen. With all the other words, like 'writing' and 'metaphysical'.
What thoughts may I be thinking today? Well, I'm on a sort of mini vacation. It's honestly more like purgatory before I get sent back to earth because I reaaally fucked up. Kidding, earth is amazing and we should love it and all its inhabitants #spreadpeace. I decided that I wasn't going to spend a year of my life in exchange for community college, I would instead undertake independent study and finish in three months.
That's just been on my mind, as well as the thoughts of kids wanting to be the 'Next Kurt Cobain' because it seems tragic and beautiful. Yeah, you probably guessed, but I wasn't talking about K.C.'s major influence on the grunge movement of the 90's.
My brain has been pretty fuzzy lately, partially because I've been really struggling with my mental illness. As well as the whole 'Giant Choices That Will Influence Most Of My Life' thing. Oh yeah, I'm totally sick right now. Which anyone who's followed my hop from blog to blog knows is hilarious.
I'm pretty much losing my longest standing support system because of these decisions. My knee jerk reaction was to say,
"Fine, it's not like I want them in my life anyway."
Then I thought about the consequences of my actions and the fact that isolation will only make problem A worse (Mental Illness will hereby be known as Problem A.) Now I'm left reeling.
Lucky me I have such great friends, they swooped in and told me to
1) Screw Them

• They decided that they didn't want to support me, that's not my fault. 

2) Breath

and to finally
3) Believe In Myself

• Let's face it, I'm pretty rad. My friends are more rad, and cool sharks are even more rad. But I digress. I keep getting all junked up with freaking out that I forget to have fun. So the most rational answer? Believe in my radness. 

Those are the thoughts I'm thinking right now, among other things.
Pretty tame compared to other blogs, I think.
-H.