New Dog, New Tricks.

This year's Thanksgiving (or Native American Heritage week for people who know that Chris Columbus was a Major Asshole™ -source- and that the original thanksgiving was a sham.)  break was pretty different from last years.
Well, I still started out by saying C.C. isn't deserving of a holiday, so maybe not super different.

This year I got a job! I worked Black Friday (yes, anti-capitalist Hunter of the past, you took part in the most capitalist holiday of the year. And you were kinda good at it.) I also got a dog. Well the dog actually kinda got me. We were just supposed to be a temporary home for her, but she's so sweet. So now her name is Frieda Friday and she's the most amazing friend ever. 

I'm also almost done with school, and I have my drivers licence appointment soon. Things are really shaping up. OH! I also bought a bed! It's the most adult thing I've spent my money on since I had more than $27 dollars to spend. It's been a pretty good year.
The best thing? My favorite pagan holiday is coming up, Yule. All pine trees and warm feelings.

-H

Seek Medical Attention.

I have a habit.
A very sever habit of staying up for days at a time, and allowing exhaustion to crash over me like a wave. I will stay up for 20 hours and sleep for 2, then repeat until the weekend. Then, and only then, will I crash for 16-24 hours.
I never figured out why I did this, but it's been happening since I was a very little girl. When I was six, I would lay in bed until midnight, then I would creep into my grandpa's lap and watch some R rated movie. I would watch stories of women seeking revenge. I would watch stories of warlords reigning over their territory.
As I got older, the habit grew. With the dawn of the Internet, I used my sleepless nights to learn. Mostly words, sometimes different ideas. I attempted to teach myself other languages and got pretty far in it too. I would watch different stories. Ones of love and heroic sacrifice.
Now I am older still. I sleep less frequently than I did before, I chalk it up to safety. I never feel safe enough to sleep. I don't live in an environment where I feel it's okay to shut down, so I don't until I push myself to the shore of exhaustion.
I want to sleep. Go to bed at eleven, wake up at seven and repeat the process.
But then I feel like I would miss the night and all its charms. The way silence sounds at 3AM. The way hysterical laughter feels after 24+ hours without sleep. I know it isn't good to force yourself into mini comas, but what else could I possibly do.
-H

Outstanding Child, Average Adult.

There is an old saying about visualization, that I can't quite remember but, it goes something like "See the things you want, have the things you see." or something.
I have been repeating the same mantra for the last three weeks to maintain the last stretches of my sanity.
"Two jobs, rent, college."
That is my dream. To work two shitty retail jobs, to be able to make my exorbitant Southern California rent, to go to a shitty pre college.
My dreams used to include changing the world, breeding a dinosaur super army so I could become queen of Atlantis, becoming the first paleontologist to discover something cooler than a t-rex (though apatosaurus was always my personal favorite.)
When did my dreams become so little and mundane.
"Yeah, one day I'd like to be able to work one job to be able to afford rent."
"Totally understandable, I dream of one day being able to sleep without fear of a dick being drawn on my face."

I live in a house of angry people, it's made me a really volatile person. I get sad over very small things, because I'm used to molehill mountains. I have a visible flinch when someone raises their voice over the octave of excitement. I don't actually know what it would be like to be able to live without the constant fear of my family walking into my room, without any care to my privacy, and screaming at me.
I've been doing a sort of experiment, whenever someone I'm related to talks to me, I see what they'll say. It's been pretty easy to pattern out so far;
Mother: "Can you take out the trash?"
Grandma: "You missed something."
Grandpa: *Something slightly patronizing, meant in good humor but gets on my nerves anyhow*

I certainly have more relatives I live with, but those are the stand outs.

I'm really sad. Like, truly in my soul, kind of sad. I used to have such outstanding dreams, and such an indomitable spirit when it came to the future. Now I just feel like I'm running on autopilot.
-H